I have a love-hate relationship with doodling. I tend to doodle when I listen to a lecture and I find it helps me think. But I can’t stand the ugliness that the doodles cause on the page. The imperfection of the notes with scribbles and scrawls around them makes me want to rip out the page and rewrite the notes. (True confession: I have actually done that a time or two.)
I have a stack of notebooks and journals where I’ve written for a week or two and then nothing more. I would start writing and detail some plan for self-improvement and then I’d get busy and forget about it. Later I might want to journal again but I couldn’t stand to go back and pick it up again once I’d stopped. The imperfection of the half-finished project or journal just seemed to mock me.
I’ve started a lot of diets and then failed because I had a bad day or bad week and then decided it wasn’t worth trying again. It was too imperfect, too embarrassing to admit my failure somehow. Better just to pretend I didn’t really try in the first place.
It’s now been almost 5 months since I wrote here on this blog. At first I was just busy. Then I had doubts as to what I really was doing blogging in the first place. So many people blog now and do it better. Then as each day/week/month passed I felt like the blog had become a more public version of one of those unfinished notebooks. So imperfect. I toyed with the idea of deleting it (or closing it or whatever you do with a blog when you’re done) and starting a new blog. Like a clean doodle-free notebook page. Mostly, I just thought that maybe the time for me to blog was over.
Lately I’ve been thinking again about things I’d like to write about. Books to share. Stories to tell. Thoughts to ponder and reflect on. I find myself composing blog posts in my head.
So, I think I’m back.